rainy days

This vacation has not been your typical "week at the beach," considering it rained most of the days and we only had two real, bonafide "beach" days. That was sort of depressing, but at the same time it turned out to be all right. That's the fantastic thing about Cape Cod - there is never a lack of things to do, even on rainy days. There are historical things to see, places to shop, places to eat, activities to do...and of course, there are books to be read and puzzles to be done. And I turned out to be slightly tan (which is a plus, considering only two days in the sun.) It's always sad to leave, because it always feels like I never read enough, play enough games, talk enough, go to the beach enough, sit outside enough...

Isn't it crazy how we (well, maybe just I) am such a perfectionist that I even know how to be a perfectionist in the art of vacationing? I have such a desire to be organized even in my relaxation that I never actually have time to be relaxed. So WHAT if I have watched TV on this vacation, or if I have spent time on the computer, probably wasted time considering I have to spend much of it waiting for the neighbor's internet to reconnect? If that's how I want to spend my vacation, that's how I want to spend my vacation. I often worry about how my life is to stressful, and how I need to be more simple, and watch less TV and spend less time on the computer and read more books and listen to more music and become more culturally aware of the important cultural things in the world. But this is what I have decided - I like TV. It relaxes me. I like to spend time on the computer. If I don't then I spend half of my "simplifying" time planning all the things that I want to look up on the computer the next time I use it. Maybe I could spend less time facebook stalking, this is true...but in general, I need to try less to organize my relaxation time and just be comfortable in who I am and what I enjoy.

I finished On the Road by Jack Kerouac and it made me want to go out and really live my life. His writing style made it seem as if their lives were flying by at a million miles an hour in a million different colors and in a million different ways and helped me imagine I was flying right alongside them in their cars as they traveled across America three or four times on a whim with little money, stopping to talk to everyone that seemed interesting and who they might know and picking up hitchikers on the road regardless of whether or not they seemed shady and they trusted people whom I never would have trusted and it all seemed as if they were in on some little secret that I am not a part of, and this secret would help me to stop worrying so much about life and just live, really really live. Of course, I don't really care too much for excessive alcoholic drinking or "tea" smoking (which I did not figure out was marijuana until the very end of the book when it was, literally, spelled out for me). There is a scene in the book where Dean is talking about the tourists they have hitched a ride with who are just worried...they do not seem to have a purpose in life until they have something to be worried about, as if their purpose is just to worry and they are scared to live life worry-free. Sometimes I feel like those tourists, and I know I worry about things way too much. But I do realize that taking off on my own and zooming across the country is different now than it was in 1948: a)it's way too dangerous for a girl b)gas is way to expensive c)hitchikers are not as popular as they once were d)guns are much more prevalent e)i'm not good at begging or asking for anything f)it's selfish. I think that's the biggest thing- it's selfish. My family would worry, I would be imposing on other people...basically running away from my responsibilities. That is the picture of Dean Moriarty with which I was left - one who was continually running from his responsibilities, alienating even his best friends in the process because he was too scared to actually take the biggest risk of all and learn to take control of his life.

What I will take from this book is the desire it places in me to really live life - to do everything with a zeal for life, but in my own context. That includes watching TV, or reading Shopaholic, or what have you. I will be who I am and not let society (or even those whom I love dearly) tell me I should be somebody that I am not, or like things that I don't. First, of course, I must try things. But if I don't enjoy it, I don't. If I don't like it, I don't - I don't care if it's the most culturally impacting thing of all time or whatnot. I WILL live life to the fullest, but I will do it my way, on my own terms. I'm not going to worry about what I'm supposed to be doing, and just do it!

Well - I got started on a roll there and just kept going! Whew!

I went to Provincetown and went up the Pilgrim monument, which was exciting of course...but it's kind of like going up the Washington Monument...and it was kind of rainy and foggy so we couldn't see as far as we would have liked, unfortunately. Mostly - I just love the sounds and smells of the ocean. It's beautiful here, and I think that I won't be able to settle down far from water. I feel so much more stressed without it! The beach really is good for my soul. It's my anti-drug, if you will. :)

For some reason I have been restless the past few days. I think it's because of the things I miss:
I miss dancing, and CU, and late-night fast-food runs, and yelling out of windows in Terrace, and birthday celebrations, and rez, and stuffed peaches in saga, and the SAO, and CU meetings, and coffeehouses, and having a million things to do during the week, and worrying about people moshing, and having people trying to mosh on wheaton's campus, and seeing all of my girls in my stairwell every day, and watching pr late at night, and eating lunch with lovely people, and not ever doing my homework until the last minute, and dancing to Chris Brown everywhere, and walking to X and complaining about it, and opening the door of my apartment and it always being someone i know and always having the people i love around me just to sit and do nothing but watch youtube videos or sometimes even just sit and contemplate being ourselves.

luckily summer's (almost) half over, and i have (a little less than) two months till I go back. it's funny how school has become my comfort zone, even over home with my family whom i have known for 21 years, and even with all the uncertainties that lie ahead. this year will be fantastic and i have to stop talking about it or i will remind myself of how it's the last one. let's make it a great one.