Competition

Yes, I am competitive.

Yes, I do wake up in the morning viewing my life as a series of small little battles to be fought, and conquered. It's natural for me to view a situation as either a win, or a [heaven-forbid!] loss.

I do have a tendency to find some joy and validation at being better than others at something; well, mostly just being the best.

And, though you might know these things about me, you have no idea how many of these thoughts, how many little victories/defeats I record in my head, without sharing them out loud. [You're probably thinking - how can you have any more up there that you DON'T share?]

I've been thinking about this a lot recently [only two posts I was talking about this very same topic?], and I don't really have an answer to my question: what's a healthy level of competition? Here again, I have the same problem that I'm discussing here when approaching the validity of a life of competition: is it actually better to live a life competition-free, to just enjoy life the way it is, and have no motivation to win/lose at any particular situation?

I think I've reached the real meat of the issue: that's how my brain functions. That's how I innately look at my surroundings, and how I approach everyday life. That's how I solve problems; that's how I am motivated to accomplish something; that's how I succeed at being the best friend/daughter/roommate I can be.

So, maybe the problem is I will never have an answer, and all I can do is pray about it. [The sigh that this produces within me is for another lengthy blog post entirely. All I can say is, for now, to those with whom I am privileged to spend a significant amount of my time: I apologize. I apologize if I have ever made you feel less about yourself, not important, not worthy, whatever negative emotion I might have made you feel with my incessant need to somehow beat you. I assure you, it's not personal. I can also assure you that the moment I realize this feature of myself is on display for the whole world to see, realize, and point out - I hate it more than you. There are days I wish I had zero competition motivation and just woke up and viewed the world as a sunny, rosy, happy-go-lucky place.

Unfortunately, that's not how I was wired. I do know enough about God to realize that he must have created me with this drive in order to achieve some purpose. So, please be patient with me as I figure out what that purpose is, and how to rein in all the other non-essential competitions. Just like I must be patient with God [is that possible?] and with myself, as I figure out what just makes me who I am and what makes me, well, you know.

Sometimes a little overly competitive. And also incredibly impatient. That's the next thing on my list to accomplish: patience. [Something you can accomplish? hmmm, probably not...]