Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's official:

I am very far behind on my Project 365 updates. It's not that I haven't been taking pictures [although, I haven't been taking them every day...], it's just that life got in the way. Like vacation, Chicago in the summer, etc.

And, probably, the fact that I am a perfectionist. So I can't post something unless it is absolutely the best that I can offer.

That's something I've always thought was a good trait; something that could never go wrong or get in the way of accomplishing my goals.

But maybe it is. Where's the line between striving to offer your best, not accepting anything less than the highest standards for yourself and your contribution to life -- and essentially giving up because it got a little bit hard, and you were frustrated by the fact that you weren't the absolute BEST at whatever you were trying to accomplish? Because if that's what ultimately happens - giving up - then when will we ever actually accomplish anything?

Sometimes [a lot] [often] I let my need to be the best, to win, to succeed, to beat someone get in the way of the fact that, probably, the journey is actually the thing to which I should be paying attention. That maybe God's trying to teach me something along the way.

Maybe God's trying to tell me, Ashley, my love, there's no need to be SO competitive, to feel the need to prove something all the time, because I've already done all that for you?

How can I find the right balance in which to use my competitive nature - between allowing myself to use it to benefit society, to benefit my relationships [is that possible?], to bring glory to God [similar question...], and striving too far in the opposite direction - finding my self-worth in my accomplishments, wins, victories, successes that [really] were not mine to begin with?

I think the real question is, when did competition become my crutch and the veil behind which I hide in order not to talk about my actual feelings, emotions and needs?

Rhetorical, yes. First time I realized it, maybe. Last time I will think about it? Most definitely not.

1 comment:

Taylor Yves said...

ashley. just start back up again.